a guide to uk cities for foreign people

• manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.
• liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.
• newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
• leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london
• bradford: leeds but awful
• nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
• derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any f*cks about this.
• hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
• leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place
• york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
• birmingham: NO.
• brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
• portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
• southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
• bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
• cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
• plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
• penzance: everyone here is from london now.
• london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
• cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
• oxford: same number of c***s as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
• edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
• glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
• aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
• belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.
• wolverhampton: really, really don't.
• norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.
• coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
• wells: so tiny and filled with country bumpkins that it got used as the setting for the VILLAGE in hot fuzz. there is also a suspiciously low crime rate...
• worcester: a blend between pretty tudor houses, ugly 60s buildings, forests, and sauce.